How Do I Get Wetter? Tips to Conquer Sexual Dryness

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Sex educator, Megan Andelloux of the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (the CSPH) answers the question:

I have trouble getting wet and staying wet before and during intercourse. What do I do?

Experiencing sexual dryness does not necessarily mean something is medically “wrong” with you. Vaginal wetness is unique to every woman. Just as bodies are individually different, we also vary in what turns us on and how we get wet. In the following three minute video, Megan Andelloux explains what can effect lubrication, which ranges from emotional stress to antihistamines to menstrual cycle, and more.

Here are Megan’s quick tips for how to get wetter in the sack:

  • Reflect on your stress level in day to day life.
  • Both hormonal and non-hormonal medication can effect wetness. Check your medication and talk to your doctor about alternatives.
  • Invest in personal lubrication. Megan recommends the silicone-based Move by ONE.
  • Explore what toys are designed to stimulate the anterior fornix erogenous zone (AFE zone).
  • Stimulation of the nipples increase vaginal lubrication.
  • Check out the book Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston.

BY The CSPH | theCSPH.org

megan_andellouxMEGAN ANDELLOUX is a Clinical Sexologist and certified Sexuality Educator, listed on Wikipedia as one of the top sexuality educators in America, her innovative education programs, writing, social media presence, and ambitious speaking schedule has made her one of America’s most recognized and sought-after experts in the growing field of sexual pleasure, health, and politics.
Follow Megan on twitter @HiOhMegan

csphThe CENTER for SEXUAL PLEASURE and HEALTH (The CSPH) is designed to provide adults with a safe, physical space to learn about sexual pleasure, health, and advocacy issues. Led by highly respected founder and director, Megan Andelloux, The CSPH is a sexuality training and education organization that works to reduce sexual shame, fight misinformation, & advance the sexuality field.

EVENT: Choosing Condoms for Pleasure with Melissa White

SHE logo_hi-resJoin Melissa White of Lucky Bloke as she explains: How to Choose Condoms for Ultimate Pleasure

As CEO at Lucky Bloke, converting non-believers to a better sex life with condoms is Melissa’s passion and expertise. So if you would file yourself in the love-to-hate condom category, you’re sleeping with a partner who is a condom foe, or even if you’re just curious about better sex with condoms, Melissa’s here to empower you with a workshop that is guaranteed to radically improve your safer-sex pleasure.

She’ll also get to the bottom of lube, the perfect condiment to much hotter sex. If your past experience was a sticky mess or you simply have no idea where to begin Melissa’s workshop should be your first stop!

WHAT:  Join Melissa White, CEO of Lucky Bloke, for a crazy fun session at SHE, the Sexual Health Expo, that will change the way you think about both condoms and lube — forever.

While the drugstores would have you believe that there are 3 choices and 2 bottles, that’s not the truth at all.

Bring your sexy brain and your sense of humor and discover:

  • Why 70% of people are using the wrong sized condom

  • How to choose the right condom, from material to size to texture and taste

  • Why the lube you’re using might be the wrong one for your type of play

  • Why your bathroom has the one tool you need to get you into the right sized condom
    (hint: it’s not your scale)

All attendees will receive the Lucky Bloke Ultimate Condom or Lube Sampler of their choice!

WHEN:   Saturday, January 17th at 11:30am

WHERE:   Sofitel Hotel in West Hollywood, CA.
Event tickets: $25 per couple, good for 2 days at the Expo > Get them here.

WHO:  As the CEO of Lucky Bloke, Melissa’s mission is to help legions of condom users across the globe have the very best sex possible by introducing them to condoms that are specifically ideal for them. Lots of people are fumbling the safer sex thing. Melissa has a knack for showing you how to choose just the precisely right condom for you – and how that translates to much better sex.

While it’s true that Melissa did not know during the career unit in 7th grade she’d eventually end up a condom expert, it’s undeniable that there are few things that make her happier than turning a condom skeptic into a condom lover.  

Often found online fighting sexual health stigma and misinformation – Melissa is the internet’s favorite condom crusader. Her expertise of making sex education sexy can be found at Huffington Post, Think Progress, Mother Jones, Men’s Health, the Good Men Project and RH Reality Check (to name a few), as well as Lucky Bloke’s recently launched SaferSex.Education, an online resource providing accurate, progressive advice from leading sex educators –created to support everyone navigating sexual relationships and choices.

When she’s not thinking about how to spread the condom gospel through Lucky Bloke’s global condom reviews and safer sex awareness initiatives, there is an 87% chance Melissa is considering what song she will choose for her inevitable Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon lip sync battle.

About SHE – Sexual Health Expo

Experience an open environment where learning the latest facts about sex and intimacy is celebrated with style and flair! What better location to explore the diverse sexual landscape than the colorful city of Los Angeles? Featuring today’s leaders in sex, intimacy and romance, Sexual Health Expo (SHE) will deliver a crash course in understanding modern relationships with must-attend workshops and captivating intimacy product showcases- all with the chic backdrop of the stylish Sofitel Hotel in West Hollywood, CA.

SHE will showcase the best that the sexual wellness and intimacy products marketplace has to offer with top experts to guide you. SHE’s exhibition area will allow you to immerse yourself in the exploration of today’s top intimacy products with product demos and special events alongside like-minded singles and couples.

SHE is set to uncover the ins and outs of sexual health, intimacy and the evolving needs of couples and sexually active adults of all genders and sexual orientation. This groundbreaking event will bridge the gap between men, women and their understanding of sex.

Event Website: www.sexualhealthexpo.com

All About Anal: Why Anal Sex Feels Good

Megan Andelloux of the CSPH

Megan Andelloux of the CSPH

Why would someone enjoy anal sex?

This question is posed to Megan Andelloux of the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (the CSPH).

Many people are skeptical of anal sex; some fearful even. And that’s understandable. The butthole is more fragile and less flexible than the vagina, and it doesn’t lubricate its self. It’s been taboo for centuries. It’s a sexual act never shown in today’s blockbuster romances; but only featuring in the “adult” section. It’s been made to sound painful and dangerous by scores of people who have had bad experiences.

Yes, anal sex can hurt. But only if it’s done wrong. This is a very intimate act that requires preparation and an active want to experience it. There are, in fact, many biological and social reasons why taking it from the back door feels extraordinary.

In this 2 minute :30 second video, Megan explains the joys of the anal anatomy. Here’s what she says:

  • The prostate gland can be stimulated by anal penetration which causes more intense orgasm.
  • For those without a prostate, know that most of the clitoris nerves are inside the body. So if something goes into the butt it can stimulates a portion of the clitoris.
  • It’s considers a “naughty” act which, for some, makes it even more of a turn on.
  • For others, it’s a way to explore their body and expand upon their pleasure.

So resist being judgmental of anal sex. Lots of people have it; it’s no big deal. In the 21st century, discussing anal shouldn’t be taboo. The pleasures of butt sex should be discussed openly with the same freedom we use when talking about shaving.

View this video on the CSPH channel

BY The CSPH | theCSPH.org

megan_andellouxMEGAN ANDELLOUX is a Clinical Sexologist and certified Sexuality Educator, listed on Wikipedia as one of the top sexuality educators in America, her innovative education programs, writing, social media presence, and ambitious speaking schedule has made her one of America’s most recognized and sought-after experts in the growing field of sexual pleasure, health, and politics.
Follow Megan on twitter @HiOhMegan

csphThe CENTER for SEXUAL PLEASURE and HEALTH (The CSPH) is designed to provide adults with a safe, physical space to learn about sexual pleasure, health, and advocacy issues. Led by highly respected founder and director, Megan Andelloux, The CSPH is a sexuality training and education organization that works to reduce sexual shame, fight misinformation, & advance the sexuality field.

You’re Doing it Wrong!: 4 Ways to Mess Up Masturbation

Photographer Thomas Hawk

Photographer Thomas Hawk

We know today that self-love does not cause blindness, infertility or make one a deprived loser. Contrary to historical falsehoods, masturbation is not bad for you emotionally, physically or sexually.

It is a normal, healthy part of sexuality. It is absolutely common that all genders masturbate.

Knowing how to masturbate and knowing what you enjoy is to take initiative of your own sexuality. And yet masturbation remains a topic often mocked or underestimated.  In this post, sex educator JoEllen Notte identifies four unhealthy, misdirected attitudes and assumptions that run amok today.

Here are the important points she raises:

  • Not everyone enjoys masturbating, and that’s OK.
  • If you enjoy it, devote time and resources to it. It is important to your well-being.
  • Experiment and try new things with yourself.
  • Many people are anxious that something is permanently wrong with them if a certain method of masturbation doesn’t please them. This is nothing to be anxious about. “You Are Not Broken!”

You can read the original article here.

BY JOELLEN NOTTE | theRedheadBedhead.com

Found on the RedHeadBedHead.com

Found on theRedHeadBedHead.com

It’s Masturbation May, a time to celebrate the wonder that is self-love. It has come to my attention that there are some fairly common practices that can make masturbation not-so-fun, so I have put together this list of 4 things I’d like to see eliminated from the masturbatory playbook.

Assuming everyone must like it

I recently got a message from a reader who wanted toy advice because “I don’t enjoy masturbation. Whenever I ask friends, they think I’m just shy or embarrassed by my body or something but I’m not, it’s just not my thing. I enjoy sex. Should I try a g-spot toy or a rabbit instead of just a clitoral vibrator? Would I like it more then?”

I started off by asking if they actually wanted to be masturbating and tell them that it was okay if the answer was “no” and then gave the rest of my input. The response I got back was incredible: “No one has ever told me it was ok to just not be interested! I thought I was weird because I have plenty of drive for partner sex but no real interest in masturbation, it just doesn’t feel pleasant. Maybe I’m just not into it.”

That’s right folks, just like any other sex act, masturbation is not everyone’s cup of tea. I can hear you now “But the learning! The exploration! THE ORGASMS!!!” I know, masturbation has a lot of benefits and I sure as heck love it. You know what else I love that has a lot of benefits? Kale. Not everyone’s into that either. It’s okay. (Somewhere, someone with a Hitachi in one hand and a Vitamix in a the other just screamed out in anguish)

If masturbation isn’t your thing, that’s cool. If someone tells you masturbation’s not their thing, listen to them instead of telling them why they are wrong or gasping and shuddering like a fish out of water. No shame either way.

While we’re on the topic of shame…

Continue reading at The Redhead Bedhead.

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JoEllen-NotteJOELLEN NOTTE is helping to share the gospel of better living through better sex ed (amen!) – serving as both the Education Coordinator & Lead Sex Educator for the Portland Academy of Sex Education and a co-Emissary of Sex Geekdom Portland. Working as an adult retail consultant, she is working to help promote better sex through better adult retail. JoEllen first began fighting sexual mediocrity on her site theRedheadBedhead.com. Follow JoEllen on twitter: @bedheadtweeting

Let’s Talk About the Cervix and Pleasure For Once!

Jenelle Notte: The cervix looks similar to the bagel. Photo credit: Denis Wilkinson

Jenelle Notte: “The cervix looks similar to the bagel.” Photo credit: Denis Wilkinson

The cervix seems to have become synonymous with HPV and cancer. Yes, today HPV is the most common STI in the United States. According to the CDC, “HPV is so common that most sexually active men and women will get at least one type of HPV at some point in their lives.” So it is no surprise that there is a lot of information out there about threats to the cervix.

There is more to the cervix than only being laden with medical health problems, yet very few of us know about the cervix outside of reproductive health issues. In fact, there is little discussion of the cervix just as it is with no external forces affecting it.

This realization comes to us from JoEllen, The Redhead Bedhead expert. Departing from the main discourses on cervixes- that is, it’s role in pregnancy, HPV and cancer- JoEllen writes about how the cervix relates to pleasure. We’ve also included at the end a helpful video from Megan Andelloux about how people can avoid their cervix getting bumped or causing pain during sex.

The main points of this piece are:

  • The cervix exists independently of any cautionary medical tales.
  • It functions to channel things like menstrual blood from the uterus and sperm to the egg.
  • The cervix changes in it’s texture and shape, and moves throughout the menstrual cycle. When it’s enlarged it can be easier to bump during sex, which explains why sex can feel different at different times! Interesting!
  • There are certain sexual positions and toys that will reduce the chances of bumping the cervix (unless you like it bumped!). See video at the end for tips!

Read the full article on The Redhead Bedhead.

BY JOELLEN NOTTE | theRedheadBedhead.com

Recently I got curious about my cervix. Why, you ask? Well, I’ve been having a lot of fun sex (hooray for cute boy who makes me smile) and I noticed that a certain position that I enjoy thoroughly was resulting in my cervix getting bumped some times but not others. I realized that I didn’t know much about the cervix and so I decided to do some research which quickly became frustrating when I realized that 99.876% (rough estimate) of the talking that gets done about cervixes involves either getting pregnant or cancer. I wanted to know about my body, just existing- what the heck, maybe even experiencing pleasure- but it seemed that unless it was part of a cautionary article about HPV….or an instructional post about how to get knocked up no one wanted to discuss it.

Today we’re talking cervical facts, what it looks like, feels like and does and even why mine sometimes gets hit in that one position and sometimes doesn’t. So here goes-

What does is look like?

Picture a puffy disc with a depression (a dimple, if you will) at its center. True to form I, in looking for images to illustrate the appearance of the cervix, landed on food:

This is a bialy. Basically a bagel with a dent instead of a hole. It is delicious. It also looks like a cervix.

Read the full article at The Redhead Bedhead.

condom ad condoms too tight

JoEllen-NotteJOELLEN NOTTE is helping to share the gospel of better living through better sex ed (amen!) – serving as both the Education Coordinator & Lead Sex Educator for the Portland Academy of Sex Education and a co-Emissary of Sex Geekdom Portland. Working as an adult retail consultant, she is working to help promote better sex through better adult retail. JoEllen first began fighting sexual mediocrity on her site theRedheadBedhead.com. Follow JoEllen on twitter: @bedheadtweeting

Study Finds Men Who Use Condoms Can Still Enjoy Sex

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Studies in the past have falsely argued that male sexual health and condom use are incompatible.

Researchers from the Section of Adolescent Medicine at the Indiana University School of Medicine and the Center for Sexual Health Promotion noticed that these studies simply compared “pleasure” reported by test subjects with and without condoms with no consideration for the other circumstances of their sexual encounters.  They proposed a different kind of study. The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health takes a look at their results.

Here are the important findings from the Indiana University study:

  • Earlier studies ignored other behaviors involved when using condoms— what sex acts men engage in, how they feel about the sex they have, their demographic characteristics, etc.
  • A number of factors in the span of a sexual event shape whether or not the experience itself is pleasurable.
  • Lower levels of sexual pleasure were associated with erection difficulty, perception of partner discomfort during sex and perception of penis width and hardness.
  • One limitation of the study is that it does not allow for any comparison between the beliefs, behaviors or reported pleasure levels between men who do and do not use condoms.

This original article is published on The CSPH website.

BY The CSPH | theCSPH.org

Researchers from the Section of Adolescent Medicine at the Indiana University School of Medicine and the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University noticed that there was a void in the current sexual health literature on condom usage with regards to sexual pleasure. In general, studies tend to just compare the pleasure reported by men who either do or do not use condoms, and often wind up with results claiming that condom usage is not compatible with male sexual enjoyment. However, these studies ignore the other components of sexual pleasure or the various other characteristics and behaviors of men who use condoms, such as what sex acts they engage in, how they feel about the sex that they have, or their demographic characteristics. To combat this deficiency in data, the investigators of this study proposed this research to examine the association between condom use and sexual pleasure when all participants use condoms consistently, correctly, and completely, allowing for an understanding of the range of factors that affect sexual pleasure and enjoyment.

Participants were enrolled as a subsample of heterosexual-identified men from a larger US-based study of event-level condom behavior (a phrase used to indicate condom usage for one act of intercourse), with representatives from all fifty states. Of the 1,599 participants, 83% were white; about half had received some college or technical education; about a quarter were married, with 30% partnered and 41% single; and the average age was 26 years old. Diary reports of sexual behaviors and condom use were requested of participants, and then “complete condom events,” where the condom was applied prior to intercourse, used for the duration of intercourse, and removed only after intercourse had ended, were analyzed according to measures of subjective rating of sexual pleasure and a number of predictor variables. Some of the important considered variables included: partner type (casual/main); sexual-situational factors like intercourse duration, intensity, and lubricant use; physiological factors including perceived penis width, length, and hardness; ejaculation; and perception of condom comfort.

A number of factors were found to be correlated with higher reports of sexual pleasure during complete condom use. Ejaculation had the strongest association, with a four-fold increase in reported sexual pleasure. Other strong correlations with sexual pleasure included higher intercourse intensity (41%), longer intercourse duration (40%), performing oral sex on a partner (34%), receiving oral sex from a partner (21%), and receiving genital stimulation (13%), as well as a modest increased association with older age (4%). Additionally, lower levels of sexual pleasure were strongly associated with erection difficulty (75% reduction) and perception of partner discomfort during sex (72% reduction), while perception of lower penis width and hardness were also linked to lower sexual pleasure.

The results of this study indicate that sexual pleasure is not simply something that cannot coexist with condom usage; instead, it is a fact that can still be very much a part of these men’s sexual encounters. As the authors of the study address in their discussion, what this data shows is that there are a number of factors in the span of a sexual event—how a man feels about his genitals, how his partner reacts, what acts other than vaginal penetration occur—that shape whether or not the experience itself is pleasurable. It is important not to permit or perpetuate the stereotype that just removing the condoms would make intercourse better. Rather, the authors of this study believe there are better solutions to decrease the negative factors linked with lower sexual pleasure, such as visiting a doctor to take care of erectile difficulties or ensuring that one’s partner is equally comfortable and pleased with the sex.

Unfortunately, this study was somewhat limited, in that by only focusing on condom use, it does not allow for any comparison between the beliefs, behaviors, or reported pleasure levels between men who do and do not use condoms. Additionally, heterosexual men are not the only individuals who could benefit from research into the pleasurable associations of safer sex. However, work like this is so important because it not only advances the importance of pleasure and safer sex, but it also shows how the two can work together. Safer sex devices like condoms are so clearly important in limiting potentially negative consequences like pregnancy and STIs, and knowing how to make such things sexy and fun—really, one of the majors draws of any sex play—is key in making sure people are willing to do what they need to do in order to keep themselves safe and healthy.

csphThe CENTER for SEXUAL PLEASURE and HEALTH (The CSPH) is designed to provide adults with a safe, physical space to learn about sexual pleasure, health, and advocacy issues. Led by highly respected founder and director, Megan Andelloux, The CSPH is a sexuality training and education organization that works to reduce sexual shame, fight misinformation, & advance the sexuality field.

6 Ways To Make Safer Sex Sexy

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BY JOELLEN NOTTE | theRedheadBedhead.com

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment it can feel like safer sex is a huge, unsexy wet blanket, taking sex from something steamy and fun to something clinical and full of fumbling. It doesn’t have to be that way though! You can engage in safer sex practices and keep it fun and sexy. All it takes is a little preparation and a little know-how. Here are 6 things you can do to have the sexiest safer sex ever!

Learn your options

When it comes to safer sex, there are so many options available to you. Condoms come in various sizes, thicknesses and materials. Check out the variety of condom samplers available online. (Note: Many men who face erection issues with condoms are trying to wear ones that are too small!). Don’t know your size? Check out this handy condom size chart.

Dental dams and condoms come in a variety of flavors. There are tons of lubricants to choose from and you can mix and match to find your ideal pairing! Get educated as to what your options are. Here are lube samplers worth exploring. That’s what’ll help you determine what makes sex both sexy and safe for you.

Learn what your like

Now that you know so many options exist it’s time to find the ones that will make up your sexual toolbox. Whether it’s condoms that feel fantastic, lubes that make things glide more smoothly, or the dam that comes in a flavor you actually enjoy, get out there and find favorites. Enlist a partner to help you hunt. Best. Testing. Process. Ever.

Keep a stockpile handy

One of the biggest spoils to good intentions is lack of preparation. Suddenly folks find themselves about to get down without a condom in sight. Cue frantic late-night runs to the pharmacy or (perhaps more likely) someone just saying “What the hell?!” and forgoing the safety measures altogether. So always be prepared.

Once you have found something you like, make sure you have a ton on hand or nearby at all times. Build a safer sex toolkit. Find a fun, convenient way to store it. I use a cool, glam, 1950s make-up case and it is STOCKED: Regular condoms, female condoms, flavored condoms, dental dams, nitrile gloves and two kinds of lube – all at the ready. This kind of set-up saves you from the frustrations of being unprepared.

Learn about your partner

I’m constantly saying that I think we need to talk more about our sex. Thankfully, I’m not the only one. Check out beforeplay.org, a website devoted entirely to the concept of talking openly before sex. LOVE this!

Something I recommend all the time is Safer Sex Elevator Speech. It’s an amazing tool for initiating the safer sex conversation. it comes from sex educator Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex.com. I love the Elevator Speech because it is quick and easy, allowing both partners to get on the same page and quickly get on their way to getting it on.

Find out what everyone is comfortable with, what everyone’s safety needs are and how you will meet them. Most importantly, do not argue about safety. That’s not sexy! If your partner wants more safety measures in place than you do go with that. Why? Because if you are right and the safety measures were unnecessary, well then, nothing happens. But if you are wrong, don’t use them and it turns out that you should have, well, you will have a problem on your hands. If you really don’t feel comfortable with the precautions a partner wants to take, you may want to consider alternate activities or exploring whether you and that partner should be playing together at all.

Make it sexy

It’s important to treat safer sex measures as a part of your sexual play rather than a speed bump along the way to real fun. Don’t let your sexual energy drop just because you need to put on a condom. Keep kissing, keep touching, keep talking. Use it as a means of building sexy anticipation.

Enjoy yourself

Sex is play time for adults, so make sure you have all the fun! Try ALL the condoms! Play with how you use that dental dam. Giggle with your partner when you snap on nitrile gloves (silliness can be hot). Experiment. Try things. Enjoy both, yourselves and each other.

JoEllen-NotteJOELLEN NOTTE is helping to share the gospel of better living through better sex ed (amen!) – serving as both the Education Coordinator & Lead Sex Educator for the Portland Academy of Sex Education and a co-Emissary of Sex Geekdom Portland. Working as an adult retail consultant, she is working to help promote better sex through better adult retail. JoEllen first began fighting sexual mediocrity on her site theRedheadBedhead.com. Follow JoEllen on twitter: @bedheadtweeting

5 Things I’ve Learned from Teaching People about Sex

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BY KATE MCCOMBS | KateMcCombs.com

Even before I got my first formal sex ed job, I was teaching friends about how to use safer sex methods.

Like most Americans, I didn’t get much in the way of sex ed in school, so it was up to my budding sex geeky research skills to get information I needed on my own. With this knowledge, I became an unofficial peer educator, sharing what I knew with friends (and even their friends) at after-school hangouts and parties.

In college, I became an official peer educator and continued teaching about safer sex and birth control, this time in one-on-one counseling sessions and workshops. It was a great training ground for the sex ed career I have now where I specialize in educating adults about the intersections of health and pleasure.

Through the research I did during my masters of public health, workshops and lectures I’ve taught on two continents, and through years of causal conversations with folks about their sex lives, I’ve learned five key things from teaching people about safer sex

1. Health and pleasure are not mutually exclusive.

The single most common reason people give for not using condoms is that it “doesn’t feel as good.” There is some reality to barriers diminishing sensation for some people, but the research doesn’t back up the claim that it ruins sex. In a study carried out by Indiana University, they found that on the whole, people’s sexual pleasure and satisfaction were not diminished by condom use.

There are many things people can do to increase their pleasure and satisfaction during sex, regardless of whether barriers are used. For some people, using barriers allows them to relax more fully, which increases their enjoyment of the overall experience.

2. Finding the right lube is paramount.

I am a lube evangelist and I still marvel at how many people aren’t aware of the benefits of using lube with condoms. Lube helps transmit more sensation, reduce uncomfortable friction, and keep condoms form drying out. It’s also handy to have around for other types of pleasure, like mutual and solo masturbation.

Not all lubes are created equal. Finding a formulation that feels best to you and your partner’s body is essential and experimenting with lubes can be a fun thing to sex lab too.

3. One size does not fit all.

I remember one of the first times I saw someone teach how to put on a condom. The educator stretched a condom over his whole arm and said, “No one is this big!” and that men who complained that condoms were too tight are just making it up. This is neither helpful nor true.

Condom fit is hugely important in pleasure and safety. A condom that’s too tight can break more easily and a condom that’s too loose can slip off. A bad fit can make using barriers less pleasurable too. Get a sampler pack from Lucky Bloke and find one that fits you like a glove.

4. Communication is key.

For many people, talking about sex at all can be really challenging – especially with the people they’re having it with. Learning to talk, listen, and learn about sexuality is a key adult skill, but there are few opportunities for people to learn the things about sex that help build an amazing, healthy sex life.

Having meaningful conversations about sex with our peers can be great practice for having challenging conversations within our romantic relationships. By fostering curiosity, learning compassion, and creating safe spaces within our relationships, we can more easily negotiate the kind of pleasure and health we desire.

5. It’s important to meet people where they’re at.

Early in my sex ed career, I was very absolutist in my opinions about condoms. People should just wear them! As I’ve listened, learned, and taught more, it’s become clear to me that this message doesn’t land with some people. It’s not empathetic and it doesn’t reflect understanding of the complexity of people’s feelings and desires.

All humans make calculated risks and meeting people where they’re at to help them reduce their risk is a more fruitful strategy then telling them what they “should” do. What I can do is give people information and support them in making choices that align with their health goals.

 

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KATE MCCOMBS is a NYC-based sex educator, writer, and maker of puns.
Ultimately, all of Kate’s work is about helping people feel more comfortable talking about sex. She believes that meaningful conversations + accurate information can help us create a healthier and more pleasure-filled world. Kate writes articles and teaches workshops about sexual health, pleasure, and communication.  Follow Kate on Twitter @katecom

The CSPH: Difficulty Maintaining Erection with Condoms

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It’s a common tale: the minute a condom goes near a penis an erection is gone! Some just use this as an excuse to not practice safer sex, but for others it’s a genuine issue interrupting their sex lives. Difficulty maintaining erection with condoms is a common problem, but doesn’t have to get in the way of great sex.

There are plenty of options and this article by The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (The CSPH) goes into depth to talk about:

  • How the problem is more common with newer partners or when engaging with others who may have comparably less sexual experience.
  • How worry or unease may be causing the issue.
  • The need for the condom to be the right fit and how you can go about finding that with condom samplers.
  • How a drop of lube inside the condom helps increase stimulation of erection.
  • Letting your partner put the condom on.
  • Accustoming yourself to wearing a condom by using it during masturbation.
  • Using a internal condom (aka female condom) as an alternative to the penis condoms.
  • How suitable partners may be able to engage in condom-less sex if they are fluidly bonded and regularly tested for STIs.

This article was originally published on The CSPH website.

BY The CSPH | theCSPH.org

Each week, The CSPH answers questions that have been submitted through Formspring and Tumblr. This week’s question is:

So…”sexual pleasure & health” – How does a guy get both, if he wants to — or, more accurately, needs to have unprotected sex (no condom)?  No cop-out/excuse; but, the moment I or my partner even begin to try and put a condom on me – my erection is gone … for the rest of the night – gone! How do I/we get around that … and we’ve already tried all the basic “remedies”?

You may be surprised to learn that this issue—losing an erection when putting on condoms—is not so uncommon.  A quick survey of sex advice message boards reveals that many penis-owners encounter this, especially with newer partners, when engaging with others with comparably less sexual experience, and with those who have experienced some sort of change in their lives and/or sexual encounters, leading to nervousness and unease in sexual situations.  Fortunately, one does not need to choose between having sex and using protection.

To begin, I’m curious as to what “basic remedies” you and your partner have already explored.  Without knowing this, I cannot safely assume what you have attempted, since what is deemed “basic” by some may be less obvious to others.  Therefore, I am going to discuss a number of options that I hope will be helpful.

There are a few basic aspects that I attribute to your difficulty maintaining an erection while putting on a condom: ill-fitting condoms, a momentary loss of focus, the relative novelty of using condoms at all, and nervousness.  These issues may be related, but they also may not be;  what’s important here is that you take a moment to consider the root of your difficulties, which will help you narrow down potential solutions.

My first suggestion is that you make sure you are using condoms that are appropriately sized for your penis.  While most condoms are sold as one-size-fits-all, the fact of the matter is, penises come in a variety of lengths and girths, so what fits one person may not fit another.  Indeed, personal fit is essential to solving a number of condom-related issues, such as discomfort and even minimized sensitivity.  To find out your condom size, visit The Condom Review by Lucky Bloke.  The Condom Review also sells a fantastic array of condoms and sampler packs, which will allow you to better determine what brands and styles suit you and your needs. Furthermore, another condom trick is to place a dollop of lubricant inside the condom before placing it on your penis, providing extra stimulus for your erection.

Assuming your condoms fit well, my second suggestion is very simply for you to not put on the condom, but rather that your partner put it on for you.  Doing this may help circumvent potential nervousness and the momentary loss of focus that leads to softening erections.  What’s great about this option is that it can be incorporated into existing play, after it’s already been agreed upon that sex will be happening.  For example, while kissing and touching each other, perhaps with your penis being continually stimulated, your partner can roll a condom onto you.  Your partner may also want to try to put the condom on you using their mouth.  You can find instructions at the bottom of our article, Q&A: Yeast Infections & Sex.  YouTube also has a number of videos you can turn to if you’re a more visual learner, such as this one by Angel Walker.

Another recommendation is that you grow more accustomed to condoms in general by incorporating them into your masturbation.  This may help increase your comfort with this barrier method and/or otherwise desensitize you to its role in your sex life, in that rolling one on prior to partnered sex will no longer be new and strange.  Additionally, this may help if the reason you have difficulty maintaining an erection when putting on condoms is due to anxiety over what the condom represents, such as partnered play and/or the risk of pregnancy.  By re-navigating what your brain associates with condoms, you may find yourself more easily able to use them for sex with your partner.

That said, should you find yourself unable to maintain erections even after attempting these suggestions, you can also look into another barrier method: vaginal condoms, more commonly known as “female condoms.”  Vaginal condoms are contraceptive devices that fit inside the vaginal canal and over the vulva, covering a greater external surface area than condoms that fit on penises.  This makes vaginal condoms better for protecting against sexually transmitted infections such as herpes and HPV, which can be transmitted through skin to skin contact, regardless of penile condom usage.  You may find vaginal condoms to be more suitable for you and your partner, since they can be inserted up to several hours in advance of sexual activity and therefore allow for barrier-protected penetration without disrupting play time.  With that said, vaginal condoms may feel different than penile condoms for both you and your partner, so experimentation is encouraged.

Finally, depending on your relationship with your partner, it may be worthwhile to discuss having sex without barrier methods.  Partnered sex without barrier methods is best when limited to individuals who regularly get tested for sexually transmitted diseases, are otherwise using contraception (as to limit the chances of unintentional pregnancy), and who are in relationships in which bodily fluids are shared only between partners who practice safer sex.  You can read more about this in the Q&A: Sex Without Barrier Methods.

When it’s all said and done, however, just remember that sex should be enjoyable and fun, and is frequently more than a little silly. Try not to worry about the condom, and just focus on getting down with your partner!

csphThe CENTER for SEXUAL PLEASURE and HEALTH (The CSPH) is designed to provide adults with a safe, physical space to learn about sexual pleasure, health, and advocacy issues. Led by highly respected founder and director, Megan Andelloux, The CSPH is a sexuality training and education organization that works to reduce sexual shame, fight misinformation, & advance the sexuality field.

Reclaiming Sexual Intimacy After Cancer

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Dealing with cancer can easily re-orient your sex life. During and even after treatment, being sexual can seem unappealing, painful or maybe completely off your radar. Dr. Melanie Davis offers guidance for reclaiming sexual intimacy after cancer and facing the challenges that entails.

This article is intended to help you navigate sexuality after cancer treatment. Here are some main points to take away:

  • Making small changes in your mindset can help to successfully reframe intimacy.
  • Non-goal oriented sexual intimacy (activities that do not lead to orgasm)
    eliminates the chance of “failure”.
  • Communicate with your partner— agree on how you define “sex”.
  • Take care of yourself so as to ensure comfort during sexual encounters.
  • Put sexual intimacy on your priority list on your own terms.

This article was originally published on Coping Magazine.

BY MELANIE DAVIS, PhD | MelanieDavisPhD.com

You may have crossed sexual intimacy off your priority list when you found out you had cancer. If you’re in active treat­ment, you may not feel like being sexual in the same ways you were before diag­nosis. After treatment, sex may still seem unappealing or even painful. This is all normal. But if you’re ready to bring sexual intimacy back into your life, you can work through the challenges – one small step at a time.

Defining Intimacy

Many people think of sexual intimacy as sexual in­tercourse or other genital stimulation resulting in orgasm, including any ac­tivities that lead up to it. However, if you broaden your definition of intimacy to include other pleasures that may or may not lead to orgasm, you can be sexually intimate without the pressure to engage in activities that aren’t com­fortable for you right now.

Sexually intimate activity can be goal oriented or non-goal oriented. Goal-oriented activities are considered complete when they end in orgasm. The problem with goal-oriented sexual inti­macy is that there’s a chance of failure if you or your partner do not experience orgasm. Failure can be frustrating, es­pecially if it happens on a regular basis.

On the other hand, non-goal-oriented sexual activity can’t fail because there is no goal, other than pleasure. Orgasm may happen, or it may not. There is no pressure to do more than you can comfortably do, given your interests, level of desire, and physical capability. Examples of non-goal-oriented intimate activities include kissing, fondling, body rubbing, massage, watching or reading erotic material, taking a shower or bath together, recalling past sexual encoun­ters, envisioning future encounters, reliving your favorite dates, cuddling with or without clothes, holding hands, walking arm in arm, or engaging in any other activities that you enjoy. They can also include genital stimulation or pen­etration as long as you and your partner agree to stop the activity if it becomes anything other than pleasurable for either of you.

Reframing Intimacy

Changing your mindset from goal-oriented sex to non-goal-oriented sex doesn’t happen overnight. It takes some time to get used to the idea that even though you or your partner may be aroused, sexual activity could end prior to orgasm. Communication and trust are crucial because you need assurance that you will not be pressured to do more than is comfortable or desirable for you.

New Jersey-based “reinvention catalyst” Gailann Bruen, LCSW, suggests making changes in imaginary 1/16-inch increments – tiny steps so small you are almost guaranteed success.

“My husband and I always planned to travel, but when he developed heart issues, he chose not to fly,” Gailann says. “A friend advised us to create local memories together. It turned me around. Now I tell people, ‘Don’t focus on what you can’t do, but on small things you can do together.’”

Gailann suggests taking a drive, going out for coffee, and hugging and touching throughout the day. “Work within what’s possible, and focus on all the tender intimacies. Touch and sweetness are so important,” she adds.

Redefining intimacy in this way requires communication. You and your partner both need to agree to change the way you define sex. Start by discussing how you can maximize closeness and intimacy within your levels of energy, desire, and physical ability.

“Talk to your partner about what’s possible for you now,” says Melissa Donahue, LCSW, of the New Jersey Center for Sexual Wellness in Bedmin­ster, NJ. “If intercourse is off the table, say so, and make sure your partner agrees not to push for it. Once you know that your boundaries will be respected, you won’t have to be anxious when your partner touches you.”

It’s also important to make the most of what you have by eating a healthy diet, getting ample sleep, finding ways to reduce stress, following your doctor’s post-treatment plan, and getting regular exercise. Take pain medications 30 min­utes before you begin any type of sexual activity if you typically experience pain during intercourse, and arrange for inti­mate encounters to coincide with your most comfortable, energetic times of day.

You can put sexual intimacy back on your priority list once you realize you can do it on your own terms. Take things one step at a time – you can make changes in tiny, 1/16-inch increments.

melanie_davisMELANIE DAVIS, PHD, consults with individuals and couples to help them build sexual knowledge, comfort, and pleasure through the New Jersey Center for Sexual Wellness. Through her firm Honest Exchange LLC, she provides professional development in sexuality. She’s a popular speaker on self-esteem and body image, and the sexual impact of cancer, menopause and aging. She’s an AASECT-Certified Sexuality Educator. On Twitter @DrMelanieDavis