How to Rekindle Your Sexual Spark and Regain Intimacy


When our lives get busy with work, family, friends and more, sometimes sex can get reduced to feel like another obligation or obstacle. Consequently, it then gets placed on the back burner. If you’ve lapsed into a state of sexual apathy and bedroom boredom, Dr. Melanie Davis wants to help you figure out how to regain intimacy and recapture your sexual spark.

This article is intended to illustrate techniques for rekindling your sexual desires. Here are some key things to consider:

  • There are measurable physical and mental benefits to both solo and partnered sex.
  • Asking yourself a couple of key questions can help to identify what has caused your loss of interest.
  • Focus on intimacy and reconnect with a time when you felt sexually satisfied.
  • Take care of yourself- clothes that feel good, time off from demands, daily exercise.
  • Make sure you are communicating your needs and pleasing yourself.

Read the full article at Psychology Today


If it’s been a while since you’ve been sexually intimate, Melanie Davis recommends you ask yourself the following questions:

– When did my sexual interest start to wane?
– Am I preoccupied with work, home, or caregiving responsibilities?
– Did my partner give up trying to please me, if sex was ever pleasurable to begin with?
– Did a health crisis make sexual activity too challenging?
– Am I at a stage of life when hormonal changes may affect my sex drive?
– Did my interest in sex dip once the hormonal highs of a new relationship tapered off?
– Have I had a physical exam within the past year, to check my health status?

This detective work may help you understand the reasons for the dip in your sexual appetite. It may be useful to talk these questions through with a partner, a friend, a healthcare provider or sexology professional.

Once you identify what caused your desire to slump, you can begin making small changes to turn up the heat. If you’ve never enjoyed sexual activity, ask your healthcare provider about medical issues and medications that may interfere with sexual desire or pleasure.

Focus on Intimacy. Intimacy sets the stage for quality sex. You can build intimacy through conversations, shared jokes and experiences, physical affection, and trust. Intimacy is important for single people, too.

Turn Back Time. Who or what turned you on at the times you’ve felt the most sexually interested and satisfied? Try to reconnect with those feelings.

Dress for Success. If your clothes carry the stains and smells of your day, it may be harder to feel sexually interested once you have time to relax. Try changing into something that energizes you and feels yummy on your skin, even if all you plan to do is snuggle on the sofa. Yummy may be different than comfortable: Consider the difference between the sensual feel of silk, satin and flannel versus the comfort of fleece, denim, and cotton.

Take Time Off. Build in some time each week when you are off work, parent duty, caregiving duty, etc., and do something for yourself. Even it it’s only 30 minutes, it still counts.

Exercise Daily. Even 15 minutes of stretching can help get your blood flowing, keep you limber, and help you get you touch with your body.

Date Your Partner(s). Build intimacy through conversation, a game, a meal, a walk/hike, cuddling, showering, and other activities that let you focus on each other.

Don’t Have Sex Begrudgingly. Fulfilling a partner’s needs is great, but if you’re left unsatisfied time and again, you’ll feel used and your partner will feel undesired. If you find yourself creating grocery lists during sex, consider what you need to get aroused. Does your partner know? If not, what’s keeping you from communicating your needs?

Please Yourself. Sexual pleasure builds the desire for more pleasure, so start exploring your body and what turns you on. If you’re partnered, you can share that information, by describing it, demonstrating it, or guiding your partner’s actions.

It’s not uncommon for sex drive to wax and wane over the month and over the years. If you want to rekindle the spark, try these tips and explore whether they help you turn up the heat.

melanie_davisMELANIE DAVIS, PHD, consults with individuals and couples to help them build sexual knowledge, comfort, and pleasure through the New Jersey Center for Sexual Wellness. Through her firm Honest Exchange LLC, she provides professional development in sexuality. She’s a popular speaker on self-esteem and body image, and the sexual impact of cancer, menopause and aging. She’s an AASECT-Certified Sexuality Educator. On Twitter @DrMelanieDavis